HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL: IN
TWENTY EASY STEPS
Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle
it in the crook of your elbow as though
you were going to give a bottle to a
baby. Talk softly to it.
With right hand, position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
(be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of
cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Pick the pill up off the floor and go
get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process. Sit on
floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as
before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of
cat, noticing the direction it runs.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw
soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to
pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring
it back into the kitchen. Take new pill
from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding rear paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop
pill into mouth.
Pry claws from back legs out of your
arm. Go get the cat, pick up
half-dissolved pill from floor and drop
it into garbage can.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and
cat from top of closet. Call spouse from
backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged
firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get
another pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered Doulton
figures from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.
Get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill
in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
Check label to make sure pill not
harmful to humans, drink glass of water
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with
rubber band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
door back on hinges. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of
last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve cat
from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill
from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed, force cat's
mouth open with small spanner. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet steak. Hold head vertically and
pour one cup of water down throat to
wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call at
furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
Get last pill from bottle. Go into
bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in
the bathroom with the cat, and close the
door.
Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel
around kitty, leaving only his head
exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of
your arm, and pick up pill off of
counter.
Retrieve cat from top of shower door
(you didn't know that cats can jump 5
feet straight up in the air, did you?),
and wrap towel around it a little
tighter, making sure its paws can't come
out this time. With fingers at either
side of its jaw, pry it open and pop
pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his,
not yours).
Sit on floor with cat in your lap,
stroking it under the chin and talking
gently to it for at least a half hour,
while the pill dissolves.
Unwrap towel, open bathroom door.
Wash off scratches in warm soapy water,
comb your hair, and go find something to
occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.
Now you are experienced, its time for
kitty's next pill.
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