What means spiritual evolution/development in your own personal life?
I was not drawn to a spiritual life initially. Personal awakening never interested me.
Like most people I just wanted to be happy which meant that I wanted everyone to love me and do what I wanted them to do and to be free to do whatever I wanted to do. And like most everyone else, I was not successful at this.
So even though I had loving parents and a comfortable upper middle-class life, I was miserable and I made those around me miserable. A typical neurotic childhood.
In my attempts to stop the suffering in the world I was tested, as everyone is tested. How far was I willing to sacrifice my own comfort, my own career, my own pleasures for what I said I truly wanted. In this testing, if you stay true to something more important than your own immediate self-interest, there is a maturing, a ripening. This is the spiritual path, whether it is called spiritual or not.
The spiritual path is the willingness to confront yourself. To examine yourself and expose the lies that you have been telling yourself to justify doing whatever it is that you want to do. This is a painful, humiliating process and very uncomfortable.
The temptation is to sit and meditate 20 minutes a day and call it a spiritual life; to have sex and call it Tantra and make believe it is spiritual. True spirituality means ruthless self-examination and the deepening of a willingness to do whatever it takes to stay true to what you really want. This is a natural ripening that leads to finding the true teacher.
What do you understand is awakening or enlightenment?
Enlightenment means shining the light where there had been darkness, to see what is really there. Until the light of consciousness is willing to reflect back on Itself instead of chasing externalised objects, much remains hidden in interior darkness. Subconscious motives and desires run the life until the light of awareness exposes the darkness and reveals the true nature of consciousness. Until this examination happens true motives are hidden under secret agendas.
Before this examination even the desire for enlightenment becomes just another cover for wanting ‘my life to be the way I want it.’ This is ego fulfilment which is the opposite of Self-fulfilment.
Awakening is the awakening from the dream of a personal identity that is cut off and separate from everything else. Everyone experiences this root alienation to some degree. The more aware you are of the alienation and separation through imagining yourself a separate ego, the more ready you are to wake up. Awakening is the realisation that in truth, ‘I’ do nothing. ‘I’ have no power to control. This ‘I’ is then surrendered from its imaginary position of the doer and the controller and gives itself to be used by Love. Awakening is the reversal of the process of consuming in the willingness to be consumed.
For many years, in many spiritual traditions I was searching for the secret of a silent mind. This was transmitted by my teacher, Papaji. In this transmission there is no one to say, ‘I am enlightened.’ The one who says, ‘I am enlightened’, is the only obscuration to the flowing of enlightened consciousness. What I have seen is that there is nothing but consciousness everywhere, period. Therefore, everything is consciousness, all is enlightened.
If yes, was this for you a process of some steps or rather an experience in-the-moment?
First there was an examination of what ‘I’ was not willing to give up. This was very painful. In this examination and the willingness to give everything, I was ready to meet my final teacher. Then it was instant. As soon as I met him I knew it was over. Finished. My search was finished. My mind was finished. But still thoughts would continue arising and I said to him, ‘Papaji, I have been with you three days now and I am still not enlightened’.
He laughed and said, ‘Yes, I am surprised, a smart boy like you.’
‘What should I do?’
He said, ‘Just be quiet. Let your mind drop into silence.’ I did.
He said, ‘Now give rise to a thought. Watch it arise and let it fall back.’ I did. And it was finished.
For the next month consciousness watched for a thought to arise and let it fall back into emptiness. The realisations continued to deepen over that month. It was clear that ‘I’ am absolute emptiness. I saw that all is absolute emptiness and that emptiness is overflowing as love.
What influence did this experience have in your personal life and in your work?
Before meeting my teacher I was training therapists and working with clients. He told me to bring this silent mind into the realm of therapy. ‘Let both client and therapist wake up!’ he said.
Is enlightenment possible for everybody in this life?
Yes. Since who you are is immortal consciousness, how can you not be able to realise that? Since it is immortal consciousness that gives rise to the idea of a separate self, a separate ego, how can it be that immortal consciousness can not realise Itself? Consciousness is already realised. There is nothing to gain, so it is possible for everyone.
What kind of advise would you give people who are on the way of self-liberation?
The first most important thing is to truly ask yourself what you really want. Most people have a long list of what they want and maybe enlightenment is one thing on the list. You have to really examine yourself and see what is the one most important thing that you want above all else and are you willing to give everything else to that one true desire for liberation?
Then uncover all the ways you have sold out for something other than what you really want. If you know what you want and you are willing to pay whatever price, you can not be denied.
Dorith van der Waerden
copyright Connection Magazine '97