- Nicky -


I remember myself calling out for mother when I woke up this morning. I had
a dream about her. She was sitting at a fountain and combing her hair. But,
even though I tried my hardest, she refused to look at me. I've been thinking
about her a lot lately.

I'm home from school, I'm trembling. I look inside the mirror, but it only
shows half of who I really am. Dark blue bags under my eyes and a cut near my
left eyebrow. What I see is a 9 year old boy, a failure who doesn't belong in
this world.

Today was a day like any other. I was bullied constantly during classes.
Someone threw their metal pencil-sharpener at me after I asked the teacher
for a cushion to sit on. While I put my hand over my left eye to cover the
fresh cut, they started singing again: "nigger Nicky, nigger Nicky, nigger
Nicky ugly eyes!"

The cut looks alright now. Blood isn't flowing from it anymore. I hear father
walking towards me. "Nicky, go get yourself ready." I hear him say. He's not
really my father, but prefers it if I call him that. Now that mother isn't
here anymore, he pours his love on me instead.

That's right, mother is gone. It happened a few years ago, while we were
eating. Mother picked up a knife, closed her eyes, and cut open her jugulars.
She bled to death in front of me, on the dinner table. I miss her so much,
the only person in my life whom I've meant something for.

I've lowered my pants and lay down on my bed. Father looks at me and shouts:
"face down!" He turns my head around with his cold sweaty hands and starts
to show his painful love.

I awaken. The terrible pain must have made me pass out. I put on my pants and
look at my sheets. A dark stain is the result of his loving. It smells horri-
ble. I try to stand but fail to do so and fall face down on the floor. The cut
near my eyebrow starts to bleed again. It feels like warm tears running down
my face. Crying, something I've not felt for years.

I crawl to the dining room, pick up a knife, and close my eyes. I can't
withhold myself any longer from wanting to be with her again.